i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
