I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
