Kiss
Puke
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
