he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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