I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
