i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
