my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I have feelings that need drinking.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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