i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
