I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
