I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
