My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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