I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
