My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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