i don't like sucking hair
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
