You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
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There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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