Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
