It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
