Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
