look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
