I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
