When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
