At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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