I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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