I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
