and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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