OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
