can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
