So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize