I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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