but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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