I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
we have pet lesbian snakes
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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