Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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