he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
