Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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