ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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