The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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