Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
