You made me cry and you don't even care
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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