how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
