you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
