An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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