I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
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can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
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It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.