Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.