Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
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she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
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You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.