SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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