I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
