My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
