I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
