No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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