So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
