Slut skills are useful in every country.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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