Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize