oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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