my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
