I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Randomize
