If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
