well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
