My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
