I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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