Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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